Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I Have A 12 Point Plan for the Drunken Senator




To the tables down at Mory's
To the place where Louie dwells
To the dear old Temple bar we love so well

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We're poor little lambs who have lost our way
Baa, baa, baa
We're little black sheep who have gone astray
Baa, baa, baa
Gentleman rankers off on a spree
Doomed from here to eternity
Lord have mercy on such as we
Baa, baa, baa

When I saw Max Baucus’ drunken rant from the Senate chamber I was reminded of what a fool my friend Mory made of himself when he gave a drunken toast at his third daughter’s wedding. Mory was as incoherent, slurring and repetitive as Baucus was. But at least he didn’t call every Republican in the room a coward. But Mory wasn’t brought up in a barn.
Mory has changed greatly in the past few years. His wife and daughter now speak to him. So I got in touch with him to see if there is anything that can be done to help Max Baucus. “Well I have a 12 point plan for the Senator,” Mory told me. “We are at a real disadvantage trying to help him because he is convinced everything is wonderful. He has an endless budget with which to hire scores of people to tell him how great he is and how lucky the country is to have him serving in the Senate. All while Senator Genius’ liver is turning into a useless cirrhotic rock. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if there isn’t someone in that crowd reminding him that he will be automatically put at the front of the transplant list while the surgeon general goes on Face the Nation and swears that no special favor was granted.” Mory laughed and said, “Even here in Dubuque we’re figuring out the Obama Way.”
“What are the 12 points of the plan?” I asked.
Mory laughed, “That’s AA’s 12 steps. And that’s the rub. We can’t help him until he realizes he needs help. And that day might never come. I bet right this minute Baucus has himself convinced that the whole thing is George Bush’s fault. It’s the Obama Way. And maybe he’s even trying to figure out some way to get CSPAN tossed from the Senate. And if Harry Reid puts a few hundred million dollars in just the right places they might get enough votes to pull that off. I bet Barack ‘Transparency’ Obama has just been looking for chance like this to cover more up.”
“Mory,” I said, “you seem pretty knowledgeable about what’s going on in Washington. Seems to me in the old days you weren’t interested in politics.”
“I never was interested,” replied Mory. “But then my sainted grandma became convinced that ACORN was going to be given the power to kill her whenever they want. I knew she had things mixed up. I started reading and watching so I’d know enough to help quiet her fears. Turns out she wasn’t that far off. I figure ACORN won’t step in until the second wave of the elder genocide.”
I had to laugh. “Mory, I’m very conservative and very cynical but I don’t see that there is any reason to suspect that ACORN will be killing seniors.”
“Well my grandfather, Mory Liebowitz said the same thing about Brown Shirts and Jews. Poor guy ended up with a tattoo on his arm before they turned him to ashes. I say you always go with the smart money. And a quick look at the past year will tell you that the winning money has never been on Obama being competent or honest or acting from principle. It might not be fun to look at but if you won’t look you’re in as much denial as that drunken Senator.”
“It’s too bad the Senator might not get any help,” I said.
“People can help him come to realize he needs help,” Mory said. “If all the people of Montana would vote against him he might realize that his sycophants and Obama have been lying to him. He might even realize he needs to make drastic changes. And, also, then my grandma and I won’t have to worry as much about ACORN.”

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Senator Baucus has informed the world that he was not drunk. Hell, someone somewhere might even believe him.
If he ever gets a handle on his problem, and someone asks Max how he first realized he had a problem he might say, "When Rick Sanchez assures the world you were sober at a certain time and place and everyone at MSNBC and HuffPo does not get on the bandwagon you can be sure something untoward is going on."

1 comment:

Greasywrench said...

Foster Brooks - I had completly forgotten about this man who many years ago made me laugh to the point of hurting my sides. Max Baucus is NOT so funny.