Friday, January 29, 2010

Announcement: You Can Now Upgrade to Premium Content

Snaggletoothie will soon offer access to special topical and groundbreaking material. The charge will be a mere $79.95 a month (understandably Apple owners will be charged 36% more). This charge will barely cover overhead and processing costs, so don’t go there.
I have been talking to my executive editor about exactly what content will be available. It seems that it will be either editorials attacking the Democrats for being the party of ‘maybe’ or recordings of snaggletoothie discussing current affairs, life, love, what lingerie is most arousing, history, mythopoeic thought, rubbish removal, why epistemology and ontology cannot be completely separated and the joys and pains of beauty along with topics of real general interest with the neighbor’s Siamese (we will soon be offering signed photos of SnookerPuss, suitable for framing). These recordings are said to give a rare insight into the human soul and virtually revolutionize our concepts of the human condition but mileage may vary.
If everything goes as planned we may also add a few recordings of snaggles in his critically acclaimed imitation of a Castrato performing the greatest hits of Boz Skaggs and The Osmonds. These unusual recordings have become beloved favorites of many of members of the House of Lords; find out why.
Also in the works is a biweekly story in serial form that will have two threads. One thread will follow working class kids who, because budgetary restraints have denied them entrance to a decent four year college, become pimps, prostitutes, drug dealers, practical nurses and barely competent bloggers. The other thread will show what is being done with the money that could have gone to educating these unfortunates. This might involve the story of a congressman and his cute young aid on a fact finding trip to Aruba including the secrets of how tax payer money squandered at the roulette wheel is covered up. There might be the story of the two large home additions presently being added to the primary residence of a UAW worker whose company is tottering toward bankruptcy. There will be a sidebar detailing how long some of the cars this guy has built have been sitting in the back of some dealer’s lot. There will also be the story of the only three cars he has worked on in the past two years that have been sold at a profit. .There had been attempts to out right give some of these rusters to ACORN and SEIU executives but they just found it funny that anyone could even conceive that power players such as themselves would drive American cars.
A brief side note. Work is continuing on our direct to YouTube documentary. It is titled, ‘Become a Practical Nurse or Reach You Full Potential: The Choice Is Yours.’ Our initial research shows that many high school guidance counselors feel that this is a story that must be told since quality of life is at stake. Our main complication at this point is the difficulty of finding practical nurses who will be honest about their limited licensure on camera. In some communities LPN is the new gay.
Our marketing department had considered giving free access to the premium content to high school AP students. But we have found that many of them are not in great financial need. Talks are underway with some cell phone companies to set up plans whereby high school students will be able to charge the cost of our premium material to their cell phone bills: win/win/win.

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